one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
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What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen