One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
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Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
*looks at you in batman voice*
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag