One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
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*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.