One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
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Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Camping tip: No.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.