One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
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“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom