One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
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Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.