ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
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Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in