ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
You Might Also Like
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.