One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

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djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background


my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast


If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.


ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses


How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what


ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy


Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?


[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day


Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean


I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.