One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
You Might Also Like
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.