Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird