One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
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Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
hear me out : pockets for your socks
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously