One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
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me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”