One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
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My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
PLEASE READ
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator