One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
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Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I feel this so hard
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.