One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
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You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon