one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
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The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
and now we wait
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
New tinder profile pic
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.