one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
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Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Natty or not?
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.