One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
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I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels