One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
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“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series