One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
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This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.