One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
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I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Thrilling chase underway
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer