One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
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The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Me, in DM rooms…
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing