One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
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Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*