One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
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Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.