One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
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When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
🤣🤣💀
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.