One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Hmmmmm
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.