One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game