One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
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GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.