One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
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“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.