@girlontapas

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

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@KarenKilgariff

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

@mandysparklerxo

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

@VivoTranquil0

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

@Adyaces

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

@CYComedy

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

@seantgreen

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

@peachesanscream

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

@SarahSurgey1

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

@Browtweaten

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening