One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
You Might Also Like
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.