one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
this is how life feels
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.