One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
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Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”