@weinerdog4life

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

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@CallousBalzac

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

@TheCatWhisprer

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

@Cpin42

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

@Elizasoul80

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

@Cheeseboy22

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

@TPAIN

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

@Fred_Delicious

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

@notfaizzy

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.