@CallousBalzac My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
@weinerdog4life One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
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@CallousBalzac 
@TheCatWhisprer Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
@Cpin42 My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
@Elizasoul80 Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
@Cheeseboy22 Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
@TPAIN Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
@Fred_Delicious the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
@notfaizzy I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
@UNDEADTRESOR Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
@MissBamanthaa What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?