One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
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Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*