One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

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amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”


[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up


This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in


GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good


*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*


they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it


Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….


Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.


[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it