One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
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I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Last-minute gift idea!
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*