@slooberbie

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

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@radtoria

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

@david8hughes

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

@ArfMeasures

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

@ThisOneSayz

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

@glamoureptile

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

@VerifiedDrunk

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

@SheMightHave

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

@whatsJo

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it