@radtoria amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
@slooberbie One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
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@radtoria 
@DeborahPuette Tough love is true love
@david8hughes [first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
@JimmerThatisAll This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
@ArfMeasures GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
@ThisOneSayz *plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
@glamoureptile they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
@VerifiedDrunk Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
@SheMightHave Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
@whatsJo [standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
