One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
You Might Also Like
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Don’t snitch tag.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym