WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
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ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days