One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers