One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

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WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks


ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*


I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.


It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.


Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.


“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.


I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days