One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
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*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me trying to walk in a dream
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.