One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
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Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
house sitting!
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes