One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
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me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
can’t catch a break
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.