One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
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Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
One venti cheeseburger please.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing