one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
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Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?