NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
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Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS