One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
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If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Unexpected Judgment
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met