One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

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“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”


[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet


I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.


*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*


8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.


please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan


me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”


Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk