One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
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Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”