@daemonic3 “I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
@SCbchbum One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
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@daemonic3 
@panmidwest [Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
@citizenkawala I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
@KyleMcDowell86 *puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
@my_minivan_life 8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
@ericamorecambe For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
@tarashoe please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
@KeetPotato me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
@Tmoney68 Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
@galbeckerman File under excellent bookstore names.
