One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
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SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.