One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
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[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
How wrong was this guy?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit