One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
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Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….