One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
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The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”