One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
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I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter: