@Cheeseboy22

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

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@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

@Buffalojilll

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

@mrjohndarby

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

@jackiembouvier

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

@jakob_huber

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

@ehdannyboy

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

@berniethoughts

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

@TheAlexNevil

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

@BKLYNBeeyotch

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”