One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
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Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
RT if you could go either way.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning