One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
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Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”