One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
You Might Also Like
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
*pronounces patio like ratio
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.