One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
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[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.